4 Warning Signs You Are in an Unhealthy Marriage
Marriage
Audio By Carbonatix
By Alicia Searl, Crosswalk.com
This past weekend, I had the opportunity to go up to visit our college “baby” and attend a lovely mother/daughter weekend. While it wasn’t too far, I took my husband’s car since our SUV is a bit of a gas guzzler, and I honestly felt safer in it since he drives it downtown to work every day. So, what could go wrong?
Well, a lot went wrong, actually. On the way back home, a tire we had just replaced (because it was losing air) had a massive blowout, causing me to lose control, and landing me on the side of a very busy freeway. Not to mention, I was teetering on the top of a bridge, with cars buzzing by, roughly going about 80 miles an hour. My car shook violently every time an 18-wheeler buzzed by. To say I was afraid would be an understatement.
The barrage of events that followed was brought on by fear and anxiety. The police showing up and deciding to stay put for safety (on the side of one of the busiest highways in the nation) triggered frantic phone calls and texts to my husband. Sitting in my car, I looked in the rearview mirror, praying the other cars would see me and I wouldn’t be rear-ended; this prompted my fear to spin completely out of control. It also stirred my heart to grow resentment and bitterness.
Obviously, it ended well, as you are reading this. And, thankfully, my husband and I had a very serious and constructive conversation about car safety, prompting him to do a full “make-over” of our car. But the whole situation made me think about how quickly life (and our marriages) can take a detour and land us in dangerous places if we aren’t aware of the glaring “cautious” signs.
Maybe you are in a marriage with some warning signs, and you are left wondering whether you are in unsafe territory. Maybe you are searching for hope and pleading for restoration. Maybe you are in a fairly good marriage, but you question how to keep it from venturing down a dark and dreary path. Well, I am grateful you are here, because we are going to address some of the warning signs of an unhealthy or abusive marriage, as well as how to find hope and healing, getting you and your spouse back on the right track.
1. Unhealthy Vs. Abusive
First, we need to address the issue of unhealthy vs. abusive patterns in a marriage. Yes, there is a significant difference between a marriage that is deemed “unhealthy” and one that is actually abusive. While an unhealthy marriage can surely lead to abusive behavior, when a union becomes controlled by emotional, mental, physical, or spiritual manipulation or harm, it is wise to seek wise counsel to gain clarity as well as seek safety measures for your family and yourself.
That said, this article touches briefly on abuse but leans more towards unhealthy signs in a marriage and ways to find hope, directing you and your spouse back to a safe path. It is also only a means to gather information to seek further support and resources as needed. Please take this opportunity to lift your heart in prayer to gain discernment on how to foster a marriage grounded in mutual respect, selfless, sacrificial love, and spiritual growth and unity.
Warning Sign #1: Lack of Emotional Connection
This is listed as the first warning sign for a reason. When a marriage lacks emotional connection, many other dominoes gradually begin to fall. What is emotional disconnect? It’s the lack of meaningful conversation, the feeling of being alone even when you are together, or a sense of “numbness.”
It often starts out innocently enough, such as letting distractions or busy schedules steal away your time together, but this gap eventually widens and can cause great damage. That’s because God granted us a unique companionship in a marriage that can only be shared between a husband and a wife. That companionship comes with the desire to connect in a special way, emotionally (Ephesians 4:31-32).
Ways to reconnect emotionally:
- Be intentional and carve out time to be together.
- Pray together.
- Have meaningful and deep conversations at least once a week about life, dreams, and hopes for your marriage and family.
- Attend a marriage retreat or seek out counseling for support.
Warning Sign #2: Little to No Intimacy
It goes without saying that when a marriage lacks intimacy and physical connection, discord will eventually follow. The beauty of a marriage is that when we say our vows, we also take an oath to become “one flesh” under God’s authority (Genesis 2:24). Becoming one flesh in a physical sense is invaluable to a marriage as it builds trust, deepens love, and allows us to give freely to our spouse in a vulnerable way.
We are told not to deprive one another of this act of love (1 Corinthians 7:5), and to keep our marital beds pure and healthy (Hebrews 13:4), as we exchange this act of love that creates “oneness.”
Ways to build intimacy:
- Start with romantic gestures such as scheduling regular date nights.
- Create boundaries around your union by removing anything that is not serving your spouse and protecting your marriage.
- Pray for God to help you see sex and intimacy as a precious gift.
Warning Sign #3: Controlling or Manipulative Behavior Patterns
This action really gets to the heart of selfishness and sinful pride. As humans, we all have the propensity to either do something out of selfish deceit or doubt our abilities and question our worth. Sadly, when pride meets doubt in a marriage, it can unfortunately grow into a nasty combination of mind control, gaslighting, and manipulation.
How does this play out or appear in a marriage? It often comes with blame, sarcasm, and cruel jokes, secrets, and lies that get wrapped in being “trivial,” downplaying one’s feelings or projecting ridicule for emotional reactions, distorting scripture for personal gain, or using unsettling events to slowly distort reality.
This is not just an unhealthy behavior pattern; these actions are usually very concerning, can cause deep and dramatic damage to a marriage, and need to be addressed in a firm yet loving manner.
Ways to seek support in a controlling or manipulative marriage:
- First, seek wise counsel for yourself and gain trusted insight on how to approach such issues with your spouse.
- It is not your job to “fix” your spouse, nor do you need to carry the weight of their insecurities or frustrations. You can “keep the peace” by being unwilling to play mind games.
- Find a trusted mentor or friend who can offer support and encouragement while also praying for your union.
Read Colossians 3:19, 1 Peter 3:7, Proverbs 15:1, and Proverbs 21:19.
Warning Sign #4: No More Fun
When a couple stops having fun, the heavy demands of real life can settle in and dampen the flame of love. Keeping the spark and love alive takes intentionality and great effort.
It’s ever so easy to allow our marriages to slip silently into complacency and the conundrum of everyday life. Yet the Bible warns us about complacency in our marriage, claiming it can lead to loneliness, bitterness, and distance (Proverbs 1:32, Romans 12:10, and Luke 21:34).
As we head into an ever-changing world that is becoming increasingly immersed in technology and endless distractions, it is more important than ever to be aware of the enemy’s tactics to destroy and divide through something that is masked as “normal.” When we begin to take our spouse for granted or fail to foster fun and laughter in our marriages, our unions can easily go from fulfilling and thriving to dull and boring. This gives the enemy a foothold and an easy way to weasel his way into our relationship, all the while speaking untruths and creating a steady, distant gap.
Ways to keep the spark alive and bring back some fun:
- Shake up your mundane routine and add a little spontaneity.
- Share gratitude and thanks with your spouse, even for the little things.
- Strive to serve and love one another without expectation.
- Set timers on devices and create boundaries around things that take away focus from your spouse.
God’s design for marriage is to foster growth and to ultimately make us more like Christ. If our marriage isn’t making us more selfless and sacrificial, and if there are “warning signs,” it may be time to come together as a couple and pause to dig deeper into His Word for clarity, guidance, and hope.
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Ephesians 5:21
Related:
12 Traits of an Abusive Relationship
When Should a Married Couple Separate?
4 Signs You Have an Emotionally Abusive Husband
