How Tiny Habits Can Build a Stronger Family - I

Guest (Male): Josh experienced a traumatic childhood, and today he wants to help other families thrive.
Guest (Male): I've partnered with Focus on the Family for quite some time now because they were instrumental to hope and to help.
Jim Daly: I'm Jim Daly. Let's transform our nation one family at a time with your monthly pledge at focusonthefamily.com/families.
Guest (Female): The following program is sponsored by Focus on the Family and is made possible by the heartfelt support of listeners like you.
John Fuller: This is John Fuller, and please remember to let us know how you're listening to these programs on a podcast, app, or website. What comes to mind when you think of home? Today, on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, we're talking about practical ways that you can bring more peace and joy and connection into your home. I'm John Fuller, and thanks for joining us.
Jim Daly: I like that idea of peace and connection. Jean and I have visitors to the house now and then, but it is nice to live in a home of shalom, God's peace. You feel it, and that's something to aim at. Today's guest is going to help us to better understand that. It's good to think that through before the chaos happens. That way, we won't react in a way that would be unpleasing or displeasing to the Lord. Stick with us; this is going to be a great discussion on bringing that kind of peace to your home and allowing your kids to experience it as well.
John Fuller: Jessica Smart is an author and mom of three. She's written a really remarkable book for parents called *Come on Home: A Grace-Filled Guide to Raising a Family Who Loves and Likes Each Other*.
Jim Daly: Okay, that's it right there. Likes each other. Jessica, is that possible?
Jessica Smart: That's the goal, right? That's what we're going for. I feel like I was the recipient of this. My grandmother did an amazing job of just raising... I'm closer to my cousins than probably some people are to their siblings. Then my immediate family, we live on a family compound. We farm compound. You can call it what you want. We like the word farm. Compound sounds a little restrictive. You're right. But my parents live there and my two sisters. We've got 10 grandkids running around, lots of cats and dogs and horses. It really is a very special and unusual thing. A lot of people are like, "You guys like each other that much that you're there all the time?" It's not that there's not conflict. There certainly is, but there is this deep sense of we like being together. As you were saying, Jim, that it's a safe place. The world right now is so crazy, and just the culture that we're raising kids in, it's just such a gift for them to have that soft place to land.
Jim Daly: Not everyone can do that. I get it. There are people that live in cities and suburbs, and that sounds like a really unique environment. Your grandmother, I want to dig in a little bit more because your grandmother's story is certainly an interesting one. She lived in a double-wide trailer, right?
Jessica Smart: Exactly. In earthly terms, she had nothing. She died and had very little money. She was a bookkeeper for their family horse farm. But she died with a legacy. So many of us, her grandkids and then great-grandkids, know Jesus because of her and what she did. We knew that she loved us. Family was the most important thing to her. So I have that role model, and my mom was that too. It is just such a gift we can give our kids.
Jim Daly: So the kids grew up, your mom and siblings from that household. But your grandma said something to you and to the other grandkids all the time, which was the title of the book, *Come on Home*, right? How did she stress that to you guys?
Jessica Smart: My mom, actually, that was just a phrase that she would often throw out. If life was hard or you had a lot you were dealing with, just come on home and we'll figure it out. Come on home. That has just been the theme of our childhood, that home is that safe place where you're accepted, you're loved. The world out there might be throwing nonsense at you, but come on home and we'll figure it out. That's what I'm seeking to model to my own kids too.
Jim Daly: What a great legacy and what a beautiful attitude. Come on home, we'll figure out what we can do together. I love that. I'm going to start using that with my boys because they're in that place right now in their 20s where we need those conversations from time to time. Come on home and we'll talk about it. Speaking of that, when your kids were a little smaller, things were maybe more chaotic then. That tends to be the case with smaller kids. Moms tend to feel that burnout. But you hit a point where you're doing Vacation Bible School, you're doing all these things. Maybe in many ways, like so many moms, you're trying to find that worth in being the best mom you could be, the best wife you could be. You're really busy doing all these activities. But what happened in that case for you when you hit the wall?
Jessica Smart: I think moms today feel this pressure to do so many things in so many different arenas. We have to work out, and our houses have to be great, and we have to be volunteering and doing all this stuff, and we can't. When I look at my mom and my grandmother, what they did was home, and they were able to do that well. Certainly, there's nothing wrong with having hobbies or interests or working out. But I, at that point that you were referencing, was just so many things on my plate while I'm raising little kids, while I'm nursing a baby. My son had severe life-threatening allergies, and I'm trying to feed him and keep him alive and taking all these volunteer roles. It was just a complete state of burnout. I think my point, and what I've slowly learned, is there's that analogy of putting in the big rocks first. You can fit everything in if you put the big rocks in first. I literally have a piece of paper in my office that says, "Here are the big rocks: Love the Lord, be a good daughter, raise your kids, be a good wife, spend time with God, keep my body healthy." Those are the big rocks. Then the smaller rocks are all of those other bonuses that I can fit in if I have the margin and the bandwidth. My clarion call, I hope, to moms is that all these things we're putting on ourselves, especially the young moms... When you are a young mom, sometimes it is all you can do to just raise babies. It feels like such a long period of time, but it is not. We have the rest of our lives to do those big dreams and do the traveling and whatever. It's just such a short period of time that we have little ones in the home.
Jim Daly: What was that revelation that caught your attention? Because I would think every mom listening that's taxed to the max is going, "Yeah, but what do I do to wind it down a little bit?" That's the secret. What is that thing? Moms are listening going, "Yeah, I'm right there now. What do they do?"
Jessica Smart: I stumbled on the book *Essentialism*, which is not a Christian book per se, but his main point is: Strip your life down to what only you can do. There's a limit to what you can do, which seems like it should be obvious, but it's not to us. So he made a list of all the things you were doing and then: What can only you do on that list? What is essential to your list?
Jim Daly: I think even that definition could be hard because I can do a lot, but that's not the point. It's not how much can you do; it's what is healthy to do and then what can you do at that time to concentrate on those things that continue to make you healthy.
Jessica Smart: But as I said again, and you guys can probably testify to this, that period when you have kids in the home is really actually pretty short. It feels so long. What do they say? It's the longest days and the shortest years of your life? It feels that way, but it's over in a blink. I'm now at that midway point. I have two teenage sons and then an 11-year-old daughter, and I can see it. The window is closing. So I feel this now. I understand what I didn't in those early years, which was I will have time to do the rest of those things. Right now, my purpose is with my children. You spoke about my grandmother and strong families; that's the theme of this book, is building strong families. I basically just did a ton of research. I interviewed people, I did book research. What are the common themes of those awesome families? Like, we all know those families that are just amazing. I kind of boiled it down. One of the points is that strong families have one person, at least one person, that has made the family their highest priority. I saw that to be true in my own family as well. A lot of people said to my mom, like, you should get out more, you should have hobbies, you should have friends. I kind of look back now. She's got this wonderful life with her grandkids and her daughters on the same land. I think, which again to your point is not everyone, but I think it worked out for her in the end. Maybe she should have had other stuff, but this was a theme I saw: that one person saying the family is important, this is going to be my thing that I'm going to do. And that was my mother.
Jim Daly: But you're making choices in that. I think the one thing that all of us get trapped in is we get a certain identity, a certain comfort from the things we accomplish, the things we do. It gives us a sense that we're a good person, that we're doing the right things. I think for a lot of women, that's very important, especially if they're working at home, let's call it that. It is a big job, but they're at home and husbands going off and doing his work and he comes home at whatever time in the evening. You can feel like I'm not as significant as people around me.
Jessica Smart: It's not as much fun.
Jim Daly: So the more you do, the more you volunteer, then you're at the dinner party going, "Oh yes, I volunteered at such and such thing, and I do VBS, and of course I take care of kids on the side." I mean, there's a certain feeling like I'm being a good person when I do all this. How do you counterbalance that with you need oxygen too? You can over-subscribe to doing. I just want to press on that because I'm sure many women listening are going, "Yeah, but here's my schedule."
Jessica Smart: Yes, and I can't speak to what the Lord's calling is for everyone. That's what's so cool is he's uniquely gifted us and put us in homes and passions and all of those things. But I do think... I was talking to a friend, literally what you're saying, Jim. She kind of is like, "I'm not doing enough. I have four kids, but I'm not involved, I'm not doing anything of importance." I kind of pitched to her like, aren't so many ministries out there and organizations simply filling in gaps of where the family didn't do what I believe God created it to do? Not all ministries, but so many are stepping in. I'm sure you can speak to that because of your story. They're stepping in where family didn't do what God created it to do. When we do family well, and of course there's no formula, it's not a vending machine, but when we invest in our kids, we build healthy people that can go out into the world and give and serve. They're not crippled by trauma. I mean, I joke I'm sure my kids will have some counseling, but maybe just not as much as they might have otherwise. To do that right is a huge, significant purpose: to equip children to go out in the world healthy. I'm able to do so much because someone took the time to give me a healthy childhood.
Jim Daly: Well, and it's all buttressed by the research. I mean, there's a new report I read this morning of some research that came out that said a child predictably, to your point, it's not a formula, but it's a predictive model. They can see that in social science now, very much so. A child will do far better in every category if they're coming from biological mom and dad loving home. I mean, they are doing so much better, finishing school, they're not doing drugs, that kind of thing. They're not doing at-risk behavior at the same rate as their peers who have more home struggles. That's a good goal. I so appreciate the emphasis that you're putting on this.
John Fuller: That's why Focus on the Family is here, is to help families thrive in Christ and to stay as strong as possible. We're talking today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly with Jessica Smart. We're covering just some of the wonderful content in her book, *Come on Home: A Grace-Filled Guide to Raising a Family Who Loves and Likes Each Other*. You can get your copy of the book when you call 800-A-FAMILY or stop by focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.
Jim Daly: Jessica, you dedicate a whole chapter in your book to time, and I totally agree with that. That's kind of one of those big rocks you were talking about, right? Make sure you're spending time together. But speak to that idea of dedicating time, recognizing that time. You've kind of touched on it, but I want to go a little deeper with the fragility of that. You look up and it's over.
Jessica Smart: It is overwhelming. I don't want to cast a bunch of guilt on parents as like, here's one more thing you need to do.
Jim Daly: Oh, I do. No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
Jessica Smart: Yes, exactly. But all good relationships take time. Some of that time is just boredom time. I think about before iPhones were invented and we went on car trips and you were just together. Like, what did we even do? We just sat and talked and played dumb games. That's where true friendship is forged in those moments. So a family needs time to develop itself, to develop relationships. I think one of the big enemies of that, to be perfectly frank, is sports. The other, of course, is technology and phones.
Jim Daly: That sports analogy was a good one. You had your two boys going separate directions, right?
Jessica Smart: Exactly. I look back... It's fine. I mean, sports in general are great for kids. There's tons of research about that. We do have our teen boys playing sports. I think especially our kids homeschool, and so as they get into the teen years, having that outlet is important. But it's starting earlier and earlier where parents are opting in, spending so much money and every weekend away, playing these tournaments that I think surely there are kids good enough in your own town to be playing. You don't need to be driving four hours away. But this is the culture. Not only within the outside culture, but in the church it's very common. I think it's quite detrimental to families in groups.
Jim Daly: How do you process that? I mean, this is a good example. Thankfully, our boys didn't do that, so we didn't have that struggle. But for those families like yours where you have two boys in soccer or whatever it might be, but they're going literally different directions is what you described, and your husband took one of your boys and you took the other boy and you'd go off on these excursions in different directions. How does a family say, "Okay, we want to pull this in a bit?" Because the kids may be disappointed. They also may be elated.
Jessica Smart: They were. That's the crazy thing. So how do you manage that practically? Well, there's no one size fits all. God is so good and gives wisdom to us when we ask. He promises that, and we've never seen him not show up and give us direction. But I talk in the book about different questions to kind of process this. The interest question is like, does your kid actually really want to do this thing? Because like you said, we realized our kids got cut at one point and one kid broke a bone. They were not even that devastated. We thought this is going to be they're going to be so upset. They were like, "Oh, well, season's over." So really thinking through, is my kid into this or is it just me thinking they should quote-unquote do this? I think we have to ask ourselves as parents a tough question and say: Am I getting something out of this? Is it fun for me to see my kid be successful? Because that's maybe never a guiding principle to make a decision on is what it's giving me as a parent.
Jim Daly: That's probably your first check. Should be your first flag.
Jessica Smart: But it's fun to see your kid succeed and everybody tell you they're so great even if they're nine and whatever. But two other questions real quick to ask yourselves is the mealtime question. Is this activity allowing us to live out our values for family meals, whatever those are, or is it interfering with that? Because meals have been shown over and over to be so important. Then the second question is the whole family. I've seen also that some of the younger siblings or older get kind of dragged along as they're watching a different successful sibling go on their little adventure. That's again not helpful for the family. So looking and saying: Yes, it might be great for this kid, and we've made several decisions where it was like this particular kid may have really thrived, but there's more here to the story, bud. Isn't that an important life lesson? Right? If we're raising kids that think the whole family is about them, they're not going to make terrific husbands or wives later on, right? Part of it is learning the whole family works together cohesively. So those are just some quick questions to talk through about sports or whatever the activity is. It doesn't need to be sports.
John Fuller: Jessica, earlier you mentioned technology, and I wonder if we can wade into that. There's a whole dark hole that captures people. You mentioned in the book that your son is somewhat of a unicorn in that he doesn't have a phone or didn't have a phone at age 15. That's great for you, but somebody's thinking, "Well, my kids have phones, so how do we manage this? How do I take care of this?"
Jessica Smart: I would say two things. Number one, I have a fancy parenting philosophical phrase called "back the bus up," and that means it is never too late. So they may have phones, but they don't need to keep having them. I think parents just need to be encouraged that if there's something off in the family, you can come to your child. You are the parent, and you can say, "I made a mistake here. I realized that I did something and we are going to right the situation." That is so hard, but if there's a parent listening right now that has allowed something, particularly a technology into the home, that they don't feel good about, they through the Holy Spirit's strength, they can back that bus up and make changes in the family. So that's number one. Number two is: If you're on the fence about bringing a technology into the home, please wait as long as you can. There is so much data to wait as long as you possibly can. To your point, when I wrote this my son was 15. He's now 16, almost 17, and he's driving, and we did get him a phone. I drove home from the Verizon store thinking his childhood is over. This is so sad. I'm giving him this stinking phone and things are going to be all... But you know what was really cool? It really wasn't. He had been up to that point, we had built his character in such a way that the phone really just revealed what was already there. We'd spent a lot of time emphasizing things that we felt were important: boredom, relationships, real life, discipline, faith. By the way, the phone is super stripped down. It's like basically a calculator that can call people and get directions. No social media and all that. But it didn't really change him because we had spent 16 years forming that character. That was encouraging to me. But again, that proves, I think, wait as long as you possibly can. I think parents are asking the wrong questions. They're saying, "When can I give the phone?" That's wrong. Instead think, "What traits does this child need? I need to get those first. I'm not giving any technology until I see these traits." By the way, a lot of these things are not things that 9, 10, 11, 12-year-old kids are going to have by definition. I hate my phone. It is very hard for me. So if I as a grown adult am struggling with it, how do we expect children to have self-control? We're not doing our job, I would say, as the gatekeepers by giving them these things.
Jim Daly: Let's dig into that. You did have that revelation that as mom, you were kind of connected to the phone perhaps a little too much. What did that look like? Then you realized you're kind of modeling.
Jessica Smart: Being a mom is boring. Okay? So the phone gives you a distraction, and especially if you're tired. It's an engagement tool. Exactly. And I felt bad about it, but it was like I was just checking to again, back to your earlier point, to looking for self-worth and identity in other places because you're not getting it in your home. You're taking care of people and you're giving all the time and it's hard and it's boring. So the phone offers a temporary outlet, but through God's grace and a really cool app that I found, I have been able to kind of strip it down. Again, it's not fun, right? Being in the moment isn't always fun, but that is where real life is. I think the phone numbs things and makes you just check out, but that's not really satisfying. Really what's satisfying is being present with whoever is in front of you. Being authentic in "if I'm going to set up all these rules for our family, I can't be hooked on my device." Authenticity is so important throughout all of these things. If I'm asking you to forgive, if I'm asking you to show grace, if I'm asking you to be self-disciplined, are you seeing me work through those things? So I was amused the other day to see my son had chucked his phone in my closet. I realized he was doing schoolwork and he's like, "I just had to get it out of there, I just chucked it." But he's seen me like, lock the phone up and put it... So that's kind of a cool... And again, those are not always parenting wins every day, every hour in our home, but it was a cool like: He'd seen that modeled. But yeah, it's a fight we cannot get. I think it's the most important thing facing families right now is technology. I absolutely do.
Jim Daly: I agree. That's why those things that we can do are so critically important and then sticking to it.
Jessica Smart: And I just want to reiterate again: It is not too late. That through the Lord's strength, parents can remake this road and begin to... God is a God of new stories and of redemption. If he can redeem all the stories in the Bible, he certainly can redeem a family that's gotten off track with technology.
Jim Daly: It's always good to go to the right direction. We'll link to an article that our Plugged In entertainment team wrote about the app you mentioned. It's called Be Present, and I think it's a great tool for parents who want to be present with their kids and disengage from their phones, which is good. You also have a chapter dedicated to making memories, which I think is really good. Again, that's something you can find in a variety of ways. We did it through camping and making memories through camping. The boys now in their 20s saying, "Those were the best family memories that we have are those camping experiences where everything went wrong and it was hilarious and thankfully nothing caught on fire, but it got close." So what were those making-memory things that you did?
Jessica Smart: We've done some camping too. That's what's cool is each family gets to choose your own adventure. One thing I say to families is to choose some core values. Because I have my first book is *Memory-Making Mom*. So many ideas, no one could ever do all of those ideas, right? You can't do all of them that you see out there on Pinterest or Instagram or whatever. But choose what's important to you. So obviously to your family camping was one, and to us nature's one and music. So I kind of give suggestions of core values, and then out of those values, that'll tell you what traditions are worth embracing. There's a lot of things we say no to because we just can't. But we know what our core values are. My husband and I now are 45, 46, and we're kind of doing some financial planning at this stage. What's interesting is your financial planning is a reflection of your values as a family. We've kind of come to the determination that we could be saving every scrap that we're making, but a value of ours is making memories. I'm looking at this beautiful picture in the studio of mountains. National parks are something that's been really cool to our family. So it's a little bit of a risk, but we're deciding instead of taking this money and investing it in a stock market, we're investing it in our family and we're going to plan a couple more trips to go see some cool parks. But again, that's a use of resources that could be going elsewhere, but we're believing that we're planting something there, that we're doing something important.
Jim Daly: Which is good. That's assessing the scene and making those decisions based on what you need to do as a family. That's kind of the theme of the whole book. You've done such a beautiful job today talking about that. Let's come back next time, if you're willing, and keep the conversation going and we'll give more tips and ideas to folks listening, moms particularly, on again, what a great title: *Come on Home: A Grace-Filled Guide to Raising a Family Who Loves and Likes Each Other*. This content has been terrific. So thanks for being with us.
Jessica Smart: Thanks so much.
Jim Daly: Let me turn to you, the listener and viewer, and ask you to support the ministry at Focus on the Family. This is how we get it done. Great book, just chalk full of ideas on how to make memories, how to really prioritize your family so that you have a predictable outcome, that you raise kids that are going to be good strong believing adults. Jessica mentioned right there at the end the importance of the foundation of faith in Christ being at the core. We certainly believe that, and we want you to have that relationship. If you don't have that relationship, get in touch with us and we'll talk to you about that. John will give those details in a minute. But again, if you're feeling your family's a bit knotted up and we're not going in the right direction, get in touch with us. We have counselors, we have Jessica's great book. Make a gift of any amount, we'll send it to you as our way of saying thank you. It's all right there.
John Fuller: Help is a phone call away: 800-A-FAMILY. Make a donation when you call and request Jessica's book, *Come on Home*. You can also, of course, connect with one of our counselors.
Jim Daly: All of the resources we're able to offer here at Focus on the Family are possible because of our generous donors, many of you. Your financial gifts keep our caring Christian counselors on the phone lines, they provide support to families who are struggling, they help moms to choose life for their child. Over 560,000 babies have been saved because of the work we've done together. But we cannot do it without you. When you give a gift of any amount to the ministry, we'll send you a copy of Jessica's great book, *Come on Home*, but consider giving a monthly gift. That really helps us. During the month of July, we're looking for 1,200 new monthly donors to support the ministry. This provides the fuel we need to strengthen families each and every day. We believe a strong family is the bedrock of a healthy community and culture and a healthy country. Please consider making a donation so we can help more families through Focus on the Family.
John Fuller: Make that contribution and access all the resources we've talked about today at focusonthefamily.com. On behalf of the entire team, thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller, inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.